Tuesday, May 29, 2007

The birth and death of an a**hole...

So I wake up this morning realizing that I done changed a whole lot. Im feeling like a small piece of God and being down to earth, for a while, was kinda hard. But now it aint. So Ima tell you a story about how it became hard and what made it soft again.

I use to have a hard time apologizing. Didnt understand the need sometime to just be the bigger person and apologize just for the sake of someone else's feelings. Couldnt do it. I aint even wanna apologize when I was wrong. I'd just find a way to make up without ever having to say anything. That was good for me. It was easy. I also cast the same mentality on other people so it was easy to forgive. I would just let a lot of stuff roll off my back. Then, around the age of 17 or 18 or so, during a prayer, I felt the need to let that mentality go. God made me realize it was time to let that mentality go. So I tried..... I failed a few times, but I eventually got it to the point where it actually started to feel good to say "Im sorry" and not go through days of not speaking or just being angry over somethin stupid.

Yeah.... Helped me out a WHOLE lot. BUT.....

for some strange reason, as a result of finding apologizing so easy, forgiving actually became a lot harder.

Its hard to forgive and remain friends with the female who I took out for about 6 months fell out and got back together for another 6 or so; eatin at restuarants she cant pronounce the names of and probably couldnt afford without me but some how managed to put a "best friend" label on me during this second "togetherness" even though I had made my intentions very clear.

Its hard to forgive being told basically, "We can go out if somebody else dont come through for me." And then when confronted with the psychoticness of this notion, this person says something to the effect of "Forgive me for being me, but get over it." Yeah.... Suck it up like a kotex....

Its hard to forgive and continue picking up a phone call from someone who continuously makes plans and promises to do things at certain times and then always cancelling but not informing me until 2 hours (or days) after the appointed time - not even doing so on their own. More or less after I've called/texted and said something to the effect of "What happened Friday?"

Its hard to forgive someone who says they've always loved you yet you begin to realize that they operate on an "out of sight, out of mind" and manage to contact you when they find it convenient and need a self esteem booster or their current boyfriend (who they aint supposed to have anyway) done abused them - verbally and/or physically.

SO...... After being feed so much BS, I seemingly had no choice but to become an a**hole.

I replicated the behavior.

I told my boys, me and her were just friends. I told her that I loved her.

I inserted words like "might" infront of "call you back" with no intentions of doing so. Or saying things like "Im busy, Ima call you back if it aint too late when Im done" and Im just watchin TV.

I pretended to be sincere when in person with people and then found 16 reasons in my mind why it was OK to change my mind after I walked away.

Yeah..... A**hole.

But now I see. I see that by replicating the behavior, I had become them. I had become what I hated most; the thing that has given me gray hair and a hatred inside of people that only God himself could remove. Killed some good situations with good people. Yeah. I know. Just let it go. And I do now, but it wasnt always easy. God had to change me. He had to show me that whatever energy I give off is the same energy Im gonna get back from other people. Whatever I sow, I will reap. My mentality had to be completely remolded and reshaped. I had to understand that if I ever wanted to have fun with people, I had to be a fun person. If I ever wanted to be taken seriously, I needed to be a serious person. My word had to be my bond. If I wanted to be respected, I had to give respect. So that in the end it wont be "Here we go again" but instead "I like him, he's a good person." And regardless of how bad things may go between me and whoever Im dealing with, they'll never be able to say "He did me dirty." Never again...

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Fruit Roll-Up

Alright so, Im a grown man, right? And grown men are supposed to like grown-up things, right? So explain to me why I was in Sams club buying the super economy sized box of fruit roll-ups.... Yeah.... Now, I aint had a fruit roll-up since I was like 12. And Im like "Its time...." It was one of the greatest decisions Ive made this year. NO human being can resist the allure of the fruit snack. That ish is GOOD!!! Every. Single. Savory. Mouth watering bite is delicious.

OK so lets get to the point of the blog. I woke up this morning as angry as a small peice of hell. Dont even ask me what I was mad about cause I cant really even remember. It doesnt even matter. Do you know why? Cause I spotted the super economy-sized box of fruit roll-up and copped me TWO (2) before leaving from work today. Instantly upon touching them a huge kool-aid smile popped up on my face and everything that was bothering me didnt even matter anymore. And I know it aint just me. I got proof. My co-worker was arguing with her ex-husband; guy had her all teary eyed and stuff. I popped around the corner lookin like the Burger King man with a smile on my face and a fruit roll-up in my hand - forgot about it. The day got started over for her. The lady was smiling and laughing again. Dont believe me? I'll give you another example. Another co-worker of mine got disturbed by these annoying customers to the point where his head started hurting. I was like "Yo son, you want a fruit roll-up." Headache? - GONE!

Its a miracle worker. God knew what he was doing when he made the fruit roll-up. Its like it brings out the inner child in us or something that returns everything good about the innocence of our childhood rushing back to our brain all at once. Its one of the greatest feelings ever. The only problem is that its so small...

Take it slow

So Im sitting here in my car and I put the Little Brother Minstrel Show CD in my CD player and I come accross track number 7. I think its called "Take it slow". At any rate on one of the verses the guy says something to the effect of:

"Sometimes I feel like Im from another world
when I try to tell a woman just exactly where I stand at
I wanna girl when I wanna a girl
and when I dont wanna girl
I wanna girl who understand that
and thas some hard sh*t to explain
to a woman whose in love with you
its a pitiful thing
but now I figure
that I dont wanna play around
but I dont wanna settle down
thats a mans dilemma."

And then it hit me.... This is exactly how I feel. Its why I try to fix jacked up situations from my past sometimes even though it aint work the first time. Mad I caught a lil ministry from a rap cd but I couldnt put it into words before and it felt good to realize I wasnt the only one - But then I guess that just makes this hip-hop and not rap at all. I seriously dont wanna play around but really cant settle down. Thats evident in the fact that I wont cheat on a girl, I'll just let them go - cause no woman will ever understand any of that quote, so I really dont bother to explain it. Then I return and take the blunt of the blame cause anything spoken along those lines wont do anything to help the situation. The next few months are spent trying to make her believe that I aint as bad as I sometimes seem to be even though sometimes it does seem like you dont mean anything, but you do. Infact many times you mean everything - atleast outside of God and my family. Its a backwards line of thinking that says "Be happy if I get mad at you and never call you again, cause if I keep callin you like nothin happened then I obviously didnt really care (unless I done that so much that Im fed up) - But then right here is where I expect you to call to show me that I wasnt the only one who was caring." Yeah, that sounds crazy but Im sure deep down inside whoever your next man is would co-sign, if he was really honest with himself. So I've been fixin myself to learn how be calm and content. Never settling, just understanding that if she understands who God is and believes, knows how to act in public, is attractive and attracted to me, can keep her word and do what she say she gone do; this may very well be my dime peice - the queen that I have prayed for all my life. And I may as well stop lookin and make this lady my wife.

I recognize that nobody wants to be told "sometimes I wanna be bothered and sometimes I dont" but thats real. Funny thing is that I dont consider any of it playin games. Playin games would be sayin I love you when I dont really feel that way or courtesy callin when I dont feel like talkin. Playin games would be me not picking up the phone even though I wanna talk but I cant always be available cause I want the person on the other side to want me more. Thats what playin games is all about. I dont play games - I go away. Maybe it takes too long for me to return. Maybe my "take it slow" is movin a lil bit too slow. I dont know, but I will make an effort to make an effort the next time somebody makes an effort to understand "that". Yeah...