So I wake up this morning realizing that I done changed a whole lot. Im feeling like a small piece of God and being down to earth, for a while, was kinda hard. But now it aint. So Ima tell you a story about how it became hard and what made it soft again.
I use to have a hard time apologizing. Didnt understand the need sometime to just be the bigger person and apologize just for the sake of someone else's feelings. Couldnt do it. I aint even wanna apologize when I was wrong. I'd just find a way to make up without ever having to say anything. That was good for me. It was easy. I also cast the same mentality on other people so it was easy to forgive. I would just let a lot of stuff roll off my back. Then, around the age of 17 or 18 or so, during a prayer, I felt the need to let that mentality go. God made me realize it was time to let that mentality go. So I tried..... I failed a few times, but I eventually got it to the point where it actually started to feel good to say "Im sorry" and not go through days of not speaking or just being angry over somethin stupid.
Yeah.... Helped me out a WHOLE lot. BUT.....
for some strange reason, as a result of finding apologizing so easy, forgiving actually became a lot harder.
Its hard to forgive and remain friends with the female who I took out for about 6 months fell out and got back together for another 6 or so; eatin at restuarants she cant pronounce the names of and probably couldnt afford without me but some how managed to put a "best friend" label on me during this second "togetherness" even though I had made my intentions very clear.
Its hard to forgive being told basically, "We can go out if somebody else dont come through for me." And then when confronted with the psychoticness of this notion, this person says something to the effect of "Forgive me for being me, but get over it." Yeah.... Suck it up like a kotex....
Its hard to forgive and continue picking up a phone call from someone who continuously makes plans and promises to do things at certain times and then always cancelling but not informing me until 2 hours (or days) after the appointed time - not even doing so on their own. More or less after I've called/texted and said something to the effect of "What happened Friday?"
Its hard to forgive someone who says they've always loved you yet you begin to realize that they operate on an "out of sight, out of mind" and manage to contact you when they find it convenient and need a self esteem booster or their current boyfriend (who they aint supposed to have anyway) done abused them - verbally and/or physically.
SO...... After being feed so much BS, I seemingly had no choice but to become an a**hole.
I replicated the behavior.
I told my boys, me and her were just friends. I told her that I loved her.
I inserted words like "might" infront of "call you back" with no intentions of doing so. Or saying things like "Im busy, Ima call you back if it aint too late when Im done" and Im just watchin TV.
I pretended to be sincere when in person with people and then found 16 reasons in my mind why it was OK to change my mind after I walked away.
Yeah..... A**hole.
But now I see. I see that by replicating the behavior, I had become them. I had become what I hated most; the thing that has given me gray hair and a hatred inside of people that only God himself could remove. Killed some good situations with good people. Yeah. I know. Just let it go. And I do now, but it wasnt always easy. God had to change me. He had to show me that whatever energy I give off is the same energy Im gonna get back from other people. Whatever I sow, I will reap. My mentality had to be completely remolded and reshaped. I had to understand that if I ever wanted to have fun with people, I had to be a fun person. If I ever wanted to be taken seriously, I needed to be a serious person. My word had to be my bond. If I wanted to be respected, I had to give respect. So that in the end it wont be "Here we go again" but instead "I like him, he's a good person." And regardless of how bad things may go between me and whoever Im dealing with, they'll never be able to say "He did me dirty." Never again...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
After reading several of your posts I find myself saddened by your writing (except the fruit roll up one) yet captivated by your writing style. I love the way you mention God, for he is my friend, as well as yours I think. Only it seems as if your soul is in turmoil :(
makes me sad.....
I greatly appreciate your comment and concern. The beauty of some of the situations that I speak of is that there is a lesson learned - a positive growth internally. In this particular blog its focusing on the beautiful struggle we as Christians and people who fear God have as we live "in this world", but can not be "of this world." Im attempting to demonstrate my continued learning process of how to be sort of a "light in darkness" by continuing to do the right thing just because its the right thing to do. Hopefully, God will develop my character enough to the point where it will be an example for others, who struggle, to follow.
Glad you came to that realization lil' brother. It doesn't pay to be an a-hole, despite how easy it and fun it is sometimes.
I'm not saddened like heidikins up there because i know you personally so i have a little more insight than she does, but i do notice a hint of "growing up" and "learning" in your writing.
And because (and don't take this the wrong way), because of who you are spiritually and so forth, you'll be learning a lot of stuff for a while only because the experiences won't be coming as fast and furious as most of us heathens. But you do your thing and "F" what the rest of us say.....
Post a Comment