Raising the dead.

I sat back today and started thinkin.... In fact Ive been thinkin a whole lot lately about a whole lot of different things. And not only have I been thinkin; Ive also been talkin to other people about what Ive been thinking about. Do you know what I found out? I found out that the stuff that Im dealing with are being dealt with by all my people to the same degree, if not more than what Ive been dealing with.

Dont know how many of you actually read the last blog I had put up before I decided to make it for preferred readers only, but I deleted anyway. I got to the point where I didnt care anymore and it wasnt worth talkin about and all that "apologizing" at the end to the person Ive "hurt" didnt really matter either cause she dont care and sayin Im sorry for a time when I did the best I could is just makin me look silly and desperate. Yeah... I love you too (right...) but you can go to hell by yourself.

MEANWHILE.... Across town....

We're meeting EXTRA-Hollywood, EXTRA-regular brownskinned chicks who seem to have it in their mind that they are God's gift to men. Dont know who their last boyfriend was but I do know who their next boyfriend will NOT be. And that person is me. Cant do it. We all play the same games. Yeah, I need you in my life and I love you too. On second thought, I think I'll pass.

I did get more evidence that the average person has the attention span of a 3 month old. Many times its really "out of sight, out of mind". People be on some "I like you because you're here right now, but when you leave, Ima cheat." Of course nobody says that but. Its prevelent in the behavior of my peers.

I was tellin my homeboy today -

I said: Homeboy?

My homeboy said: huh?

I said: Why it seem like the game so different now? Why does it seem like it doesn't pay to be reliable, trustworthy, and honest. Why do more women chase me when I act like a deaf mute who doesn't care about anything than when I sit back and try and treat them like my mother told me to. Its almost like they've adapted themselves to want a man that will dog them out. But you best believe, as soon as they havin trouble with that fella of theirs, yours truely gets a phone call at 1:14 am in the morning (yeah, I remember the time) with you cryin tombout "I just feel so bad. He dont care about me. I aint got no friends because of him. He put his hands on me. Im depressed." Nigga, the list goes on.

So, Im tryin to kick it with this chick who tellin me all this stuff about how she so "different" than most girls and as a result, gets the short end of the stick. I call. We talk. I have a good time. She expresses the same sentiment and I proceed to ask - "Whens a good time to call you?" and she starts tellin me her schedule of availability and suggest "tomorrow after..." and Im thinkin cool. Ill do that. Now everthing inside of me is remembering my past experiences when women who I wasnt "super" cool with said "Oh yeah. Call me tomorrow." I even told one chick I was gone call her in a few days and she proceeded to sound disappointed askin me "A few days?!? What happened to tomorrow?!?" I gave in. In all those cases, I gave in. And you know what I got in each and every case of "Call me tomorrow?" I got a voicemail and a non-returned telephone call. This last case was no exception to the rule. My self-esteem was fighting for a while. He kept makin excuses for her: "Dont worry about it brother. She just got tied up doing somethin. She had a lot of school work. She was tired and went to bed. The baby was cryin. The streetlights were on. Her momma was callin her." Yeah... He was tellin me everything he could possibly think of. But at the end of the day, I dont know the truth. All I know is I aint get no phone call. And with that fact, I am faced with a choice. The super crazy thing is, many of the times, I didnt even feel like talkin. It would be one of those "common curtesy" things; me just keeping my word - "You take someone out, you're supposed to call them the next day" type thing. M. I. S. take. I go from being a nice guy to a clingy guy who talks too much. The crazy thing is, you spend your whole life listening to your parents, tryin to be this "perfect man" so that you can always put forth your best foot, only to be virtually obsolete by the time its showtime. I hope that aint the case, but the thought is very scary.

Side note: I broke the code the other day. A young lady was talkin to my friend and acted like I aint know nothin about it. I would give her advice and stuff to help them out in the situation. So here I am tryin to be cool with the female and, in order to make sure she trust me so I can still put my two cents in every now and again, I gotta keep my mouth shut to my homeboy. This way when somethin serious does go down I can give him the inside track and save his life. Long story short - she did my homeboy dirty. I kept my mouth shut for a while and proceeded to watch all this stuff kinda hit the fan. This was about two years ago and I just told him yesterday. He knew that I was cool with her but he aint know she was callin me cryin in the midnight hours and stuff like that. But I saw that he was a lil bent over the situation and I did what friends do - I helped the nigga self-esteem and told him about how she called me cryin over him and stuff when they broke up. Yeah... It wasnt playa at all but I had to help him because I woulda wanted somebody to help me out if a chick just up and left me completely confused. I told. In other news, me and the chick stopped being cool about 3 weeks after her and my homeboy fell out. She then managed to (Im putting this nicely) momentarily loose control and then settle down with this square fella (Who she eventually fell out with and then called me about it again, but I think they ended up getting back together). At any rate, we aint cool no more. Havent been for about a year. Triflin and over-sensitivity aren't a good combination. After realizing I didnt care no more I went ahead and told my homeboy so he could feel better about himself. We'll never see her again anyway.

Back to what I was talking about....

Yes. The battle continues to wage with me fighting becoming a by product of my environment. But I can only be cannon fodder for so long. Chivalry is dead. It doesnt work. Its not appreciated. And it almost seems as if its unwanted... Ima still do my thing though. Cant aid the cause by joining the crowd. But its better that it doesnt get no worse. And Lord knows Ive been prayin for it to get better....